agony and other things un-natural.

I have been so sad this past week. As the day for me to return to work loomed closer and closer I just wanted to sit at home with you all and stop time. Odd how I have discovered the only job I was meant to do was be your mom. I am so heart broken and sad about having to leave you all. It actually hurt. I did not want to do it. I am at work now and doing ok, except for the fact I am thinking of you every minuet. I cried the whole way to work. It's not that you all aren't in capable hands it's that I want you in my hands. I want to be the hands to take care of you. I thought that I would throw myself from a bridge to avoid work, but that doesn't really serve my purpose. Or get rear ended but that wouldn't work either. So I shall go, under duress and work as hard as I can to go to part time so I may spend more time with you all.

Beck. You have already changed so very much. No more horsey baby noises. Your hands are bigger and your heavy in my arms. I love your smell and soft skin. The way your hair feels on my chin. Your sleeping little head. I actually thought I would bring a diaper to work with me just so I can smell you. I am missing you so very very much. Grandma Mickey will watch you and love you. She thinks your awesome. It will be such a wonderful time for you two.

Anna. So big and so unconcerned with my returning to work. Telling me I will be ok. I worry that you and your sis will fight and drive grandma nuts. Please don't do this. You can be such an instigator and pretend innocent. Stinker. I see it. I still love you.

Katie. So much enthusiasm but for some reason lately nothing comes out of your mouth that is not preceeded by a wail. Oh my. I know it will pass. Be more gentle with your hands and please don't fight with your sis. Oh please be good for your grandma. I love how you hugged me through the phone. And how sweet you are. You make me smile. I love you.

Kia. You've been coming over to help and it's nice to spend time with you. We just worked through your root canal and that went well. Have kind words and patience kiddo.

First

Beck. My sweet sweet boy. Poor kido you got your first cold that turned into pneumonia and had to have antibiotics. OOps, poor baby. I haven't slept well worrying about your coughing fits. You are so cute. It's been a big week, first trip to the beach, you screamed the whole hour and a half home. It sucked. I was so strung out and unhappy by the time we go home. My poor little guy. You also went to the zoo for the first time. Pretty unimpressed, you were. Grabbing and mouthing everything. Smiling all the time. You love to play with Juge. She loves the crap out of you. We all do.

Anna. You made all stars, graduated from the 4th grade and got your gold patch after some very impressive physical feats. Treading water for two minuets with your arms above your head and swam a lap with a ten pound brick. Pretty kick ass how strong you are. Both your mind and body. You are so awesome.

Katie. I decided that you need to have your own place on the periodic table. You are raw energy. So cute and sweet. Some day you will no longer sleep on our floor. Your last summer before you start your life as a student. You and your sis have been pestering the crap out of me to read to you and go to the library. Fun. You have been pretend reading to me. I like it. Alot.

Kia. Out for the summer and talking about graduation. It makes my heart soar. I love you and have has so much fun hanging out with you. You are a good big sister.

My 18 weeks have passed and in one week it will be time for me t return to work. I am so sad. I have loved staying home with you all so very much. I am waiting until I can drop down to two days a week. I love being your mom. Each and every one of you have this light and fire that makes me smile. I love you just the way you are. Drooly, bouncy, preteen, silly. The best a mom could ever ask for.