Baby love.

Beck I could look at you forever. One of my favorite things to do is hold you bundled in my arms my chin on the top of your head. You fit there so nicely. I just love to hold you. You are so sweet and smell so great. I love your smile and laugh. It is the sweetest sound. You are getting so very very big! 

Katie. You melt my heart. You always have a plan. You are methodical. You are silly. You have been sleeping on the floor in our room and creeping into bed and it is so funny how you protest and try to climb back in! I made daddy take you to get your shots. You were so unhappy about it, but so brave. I love you. I love you. 

Julianna. My sweet girl. Last night you traded your story time for jump time. I went out to watch you two, Katie was asleep and you two got to have some one on one time. You loved it. You two were jumping and laughing so hard. You were just so happy. Happy. Happy. You have been so excited to get the perfect attendance award for May. I told you that I would give you $20 if you got perfect attendance. IT has turned out to be the perfect cure for you belly aches. 

My Girls. My sweet girls. My one boy. Every day you all do something that makes me just smile and laugh. Or want to cry. Or put you to bed early. Or take you out for movies and ice cream. I love you and all that you do. You are good enough.

Papa Don't Preach

So I have been thinking alot lately. Miss Chelsea had just told us that she was pregnant and well it set my mind on fire. It reminded me of being pregnant as a youngn' as well and what that was like. I dunno maybe just having Beckett puts me in a more reflective state. I remember when I realized that I was pregnant with Kia I fell in love in an instant and just knew that I was keeping my baby. I wanted my baby. That I loved it and not matter what that I wanted it. I had no idea of what I was getting into but I loved her from the moment she blossomed in my belly. It's been that way with each of you. 

Talking about hope and disappointment made me thing of how to explain it. Hope for my kids, for you. I hope that your lives are easier. The they are grander and have more adventure. That they are filled with love and laughter. I don't think that you can disappoint me. I may at some time be disappointed, but only because I have hoped for you. I just don't want you to suffer or for things to be hard. That's the thing about being your mom, my job in life is to give you the tools to make your life great. As I watch you make your decisions I see how it will make it harder and I want to interject. It started when you were a baby. When you wanted to stick your fingers in the light socket, swallow pennies and eat cat poop. I interjected. I tried to steer you away from an unfavorable fate. Please don't expect me to stop all of sudden. 

Kia. I love you. Please don't get pregnant. I know I will say this alot over the next few months. We talked to your boyfriend alot tonight and it just makes me sad. He has had a sad and scary life and I am not sure why you are drawn to such broken people. I hope he is not too broken. I hope you finish school. oh.

Beck. Last night was so hot and as you fell asleep in my arms, naked arms and legs I couldn't stop gazing at you. You soft lips and pudgy cheeks. I love the way you feel in my arms. Heavy and sweaty and warm. Your drool wet on my arms. The way your forehead is still course from the peely skin. I love your smile, how your eyes light up and your dimples. I wonder about your future and how I am going to leave you when I go back to work. When I am holding you I feel so peaceful and happy.  I just want to love you and for you to be happy. 

Katie my silly goose. When Beck was asleep we were just talking. It's been a rough couple of weeks and  just want to get back to us being thick as thieves. So when we were talking you mentioned that you felt like we loved beck more. That you wished you were a baby and that we would take care of you to dress you and carry you and never yell at you. Oh baby. I love you just as much as Beck. I have loved you longer. I have dressed you and carried you. We agreed that you would have better listening ears and I would be more patient. More gentle. I will. I love getting your perspective. You are so funny. So insightful for 5. To tell me what you need. To make me understand how your feeling. I want you to know that we love you, that I love you. Down to the very bottom of my heart. And to thank you for reminding me of what your feeling. To give me the chance to make it right. We are going to have so much fun this summer.

I have realized a couple of things. I am you mom. I do not make sacrifices. I make trades. I make choices. Sacrifices imply losing or giving up something that is very valuable. But really you all are the most valuable. I will always choose you. Kia, Anna, Katie, Beck. I chose you. There is nothing that is more important to me and I make knowing choices and trades. And I do so willingly because I want to. 

so big.

Julianna. We went to the batting cages today and I was watching you swing and practice and I couldn't help but thinking of how impressive it was watching you hit. Not because you're exceptional at batting but watching your confidence and self worth just swell. I could tell you felt very powerful and capable. I love watching you find that strength inside, seeing you bloom. I hope you can always feel that. Find that power. I couldn't have felt prouder of you than I did watching you swing. I love you so much and think your an amazing kid.

Beck. Gosh your getting so big. And cute and sweet. I am so in love with you. Tomorrow we are getting your pictures done. I am so excited!

Katie. We will learn your letters. Both the big and the little. I need to get some reinforcements. I am so worried about what you are going to be like as a teenager. Lord you running circles around me know I shudder to think of what you'll do as you grow!

Kia. Back to high drama and mischief with Chelsea. The two of you together can be trouble. I hope your careful. And the judgemental part of me wants to tell you that Taylor is a dirt bag. I could tell just by seeing him on the front porch where you let him in while grandma is at the temple. Puffy coat with letters and a stupid tall hat. As you like yourself more you'll find a whole 'nother category of man out there. Oh how I fear you'll get pregnant. Oh if only you knew my worry, wait I take that back if you knew my worry you'd be a mom and right now you SHOULD NOT be a mom. I still love you. I just wish you loved you. You are good enough. no matter how much I tell you that now you can't hear me. That simply breaks my heart. I didn't tell you enough while you still believed me. While you still listened to me. I am so sorry for that. You are good enough. Please hear me.

Mother's Day

Oh Anna. Such a sweet and beautiful card. You make my heart sing. You are so sweet and funny. You and your sis however are making me nuts, the way you two have been fighting. And wow an impressive mean streak you poses as it applies to your sister. Will have to see what develops.

Katie you stinker, dad got me glasses and you couldn't wait to give them to me. In the driveway of nanny and granddads a day early. I can count on you! We went and saw a play on friday and you said the princess was so pretty and you would give her some of your money if she wanted it. You are so funny. You got a piggy back ride and said you loved to bounce. Sometimes I feel like you still need a nap. You get so tired burning up all your energy! Like a bee just buzzing around non-stop. You are so crazy for your dad, over the moon. I hope that doesn't change.

Beck, just cute. Had a horrible dream that I went back to work and I took you but left you in the cold, naked in your car seat for three hours. What a terrible mother. Guess I am not excited about leaving you. You chuckled for the first time I've heard tonight for teta. Traitor. I cannot wait to hear you laugh. You are so sweet and cute and funny! 

Mother's Day

Oh Anna. Such a sweet and beautiful card. You make my heart sing. You are so sweet and funny.

Katie soo funny. I love you could not wait to give me my gift. The day before. After you tricked daddy in the driveway of nanny and granddad into letting you see what dad bought. Silly girl.

So for mothers day we went to the Oregon garden with nanny and granddad. We did this for your dad and nanny. Though we had a great time, remember one of the greatest gifts is to give someone else happiness. You all do that for me. Thank you.

Wow

I never knew how many things would happen that I would want to tell you all about.

Julianna. Your team won both a softball game and soccer game. At the game you shush me for my cheering which just makes me want to cheer louder. I only say nice things and never the things I want to yell. Like get the ball when she's down, take it from her, use your elbows, you have a head that's hard to hit the ball. Make them afraid of you. GRRR. But I guess you will find that tiger in yourself soon enough. I love how kind you are and it shows in your soccer playing. But I guess that is just your nature and I love your nature. Alot. You deserve to know that I loved that your team kicked ass and took no names that game. 10 to 1. Momma was proud.

Katie. You silly thing. Hangman so far has consisted of mom, dad and Anna. Then you really stumped us all. Three letters, first one I last one U. Blank line in the middle with no answer in sight. Then you mentioned it had to do with love and we still couldn't get it. Then you told us duh, HEART. I heart you to. Clever little devil.

Kia. You needed some babying. Slice tomatoes and sorbet for you. You will always be my baby
especially when you are throwing a 17 year old tantrum. Girl you have got to calm down and chill out. Someday it will happen. Silly. The phone in your boobs is soooo gross.

And guys your auntie Shellie; I too have to bite my tongue and remind myself what a big and kind heart she has...breath deep three times, it helps.

Tonight

This is for you kid. Kids rather. I love paper and books and set out to record every moment of you lives...I have failed so this I offer instead. 

I will write about you all and later you will get to read it. I hope it is enough. I have taken thousands of photos of all of you so I will start to save you some words as well.

Right now you are 17,10, 5, and 10 weeks. I suspect you all know your birth order. I love each and everyone of you with all my heart. You all have different strengths that make you who you are and it is amazing to me. 

More than anything I want you all to know that you are loved. Simple. I LOVE YOU. I love you all when you make mistakes. I love you when you rock the boat. I love you when you are awesome. I love you when you are asleep. I will love you forever. My biggest fear that brings tears to my eyes is to lose you. I want so much to die before you. Not so soon that I don't get to see you grow and have lives and give me grandchildren, but please don't leave before me. 

Beck. My little man. I am so over the moon for you. In the past 47 weeks, 10 of which you've been out of me I have fallen so in love with you. You smile now, lots. You poop a ton. I tell  you that you are a super pooper and are pooptastic. Sometimes it shoots to your shoulder blades and around your sides. You are chubby and soft and have the best pinching thighs ever. You look like a lizard when you lie on you belly as it pooches out! Katie often asks why you have to be sooo cute, states that she can't stand it and wants to just eat you up. I know how she feels. We are NUTSO for you. The best addition to our family. You sleep through the night and I always say knock on wood in my head when I think it or tell anyone. I am amazed and say thank you for that. I am sick at the thought of going back to work and being away from you for so long. But we will not dwell on that. 

Katie. You are like fire, Like the sun. A direct descendant of a Tasmanian devil. You make me smile and want to pull my hair out at the same time. Tonight was the night I cut the top off your binkey. I am sure you will remember it forever. Sorry. I was desperate to make you listen. You are not listening very well at all and it is making me nuts. It's been a bit of a transition. You love your brother so much. It is a beautiful thing to see. You want to hug him and kiss him and play with him and he's just not ready yet. But soon. We are trying so hard to keep him safe and you in love. It's a balance. you creep into our bed every night, afraid to sleep alone. We've made you a floor bed and I am sure you'll outgrow it someday. I like having you so close and you warm up my side of the bed for me and that is a nice perk. You are tall and strong and so passionate and loving. I think your awesome. I worry that you won't have any skin left on your knees by the time your 10 as you hurt yourself a ton! You love to drive your jeep to the park and you did that today. You did pretty well listening except you ran over my feet, twice and had to walk the last little bit home. But I always amazed at how well you maneuver that thing, especially in reverse. You rock the driving.  I am trying to be more positive with you so I am not always saying in a frustrated voice, KATHRYN. It's a work in progress. Please be patient with me as I am adjusting too. Tomorrow will be better. Wiltramette lake and cotton cheese. You love to have lunch with your daddy at the pizza place and love snicker doodles from paradise bakery. You have Friday treats and love peanut butter fingers. You don't eat meat except for bagel bites and clam chowder and LOVE your grandma's broccoli. Your hair is a constant battle and you still love binkies. You've mastered the pathetic face and I admit it works. You LOVE shoes and I think you are going to be a clothes and shoe horse. I bet you do something that results in thousands of people adoring you. You will do well with a fan base. I will always be #1. I love your fire and spunk. You are over the moon for your brother and I hope you always feel that way. 

Julianna. You are so great. I wonder how you ended up being so good natured and chill. You won your first softball game last night and were over the moon. We celebrated with coldstone. I love your smile and think your gorgeous. You are so smart and have always wanted to be a sea vegetarian, veterinarian but hey it's fun to remember your silly words. You are doing both soccer and softball and we're at games or practices for 2 hours a day at least 6 days a week and momma is sitting in the car or walking the field. It's been hard with beck and Katie, but your worth it. You are also an amazing swimmer, taking a break this season. Thank goodness as there is no more time in our schedule. Your in the fourth grade and your doing awesome. I am not surprised. I think you'll always do well in school. I hope your desire to go to college stays strong like it is now. Your best friend is Marrissa and you two spend a TON of time together. We like her and I love how long you two have been friends, since the first grade. Overalls you called alveralls. Too cute. I have always been thankful for having you. Your eyes have yellow in them and they look like suns that burn bright. I like to kiss you on your nose as it just fits there. There is something so fun at finding where on you I fit and that has always been our spot. Dad is crazy for you too. I am starting to see twinges of teenager in you and I must admit I feel some fear as before long I think you will hate us just a little and I am sad that it happened so fast. I hope we can weather it. I just want you to know that we love you no matter what, always. You fell asleep playing ds tonight and were drooling. 

Kia. My first baby. I love you more than all the stars. Right now it is a struggle, but at 17 I guess it is supposed to be. I am so proud of you going back to school. I know you can do it. I can't wait to see how you turn out. It's sad that we fight because I just want your life to be easy and safe and you just want to live it and have your independence. So we will find a balance. I think for whatever the reason and fault that you just don't know that I LOVE you. That no matter what you are good enough just the way you are. I fell such sadness that you can't feel that from me yet, but that is what I am working to fix. The fact that you are a snotty teenager doesn't make it any easier but it will be done. You are so silly and make me laugh! You used to be able to barf on demand and slept with me until you were almost 5. I love feeling you close to me. You made me a better person and mother. All your life you have challenged me to be better. I thank you for that. I hope I will do the same for you. You are loving and compassionate. You also make me crazy and have had anxiety from the very beginning. Like a very young age, like 2. I suppose that is just a part of your personality. 

So this is the start. Beck you over there in your bassinet thinking about fussing so it may be the end for now and Katie you are in your dad's spot while he plays video games. I love you all and goodnight.