Papa Don't Preach

So I have been thinking alot lately. Miss Chelsea had just told us that she was pregnant and well it set my mind on fire. It reminded me of being pregnant as a youngn' as well and what that was like. I dunno maybe just having Beckett puts me in a more reflective state. I remember when I realized that I was pregnant with Kia I fell in love in an instant and just knew that I was keeping my baby. I wanted my baby. That I loved it and not matter what that I wanted it. I had no idea of what I was getting into but I loved her from the moment she blossomed in my belly. It's been that way with each of you. 

Talking about hope and disappointment made me thing of how to explain it. Hope for my kids, for you. I hope that your lives are easier. The they are grander and have more adventure. That they are filled with love and laughter. I don't think that you can disappoint me. I may at some time be disappointed, but only because I have hoped for you. I just don't want you to suffer or for things to be hard. That's the thing about being your mom, my job in life is to give you the tools to make your life great. As I watch you make your decisions I see how it will make it harder and I want to interject. It started when you were a baby. When you wanted to stick your fingers in the light socket, swallow pennies and eat cat poop. I interjected. I tried to steer you away from an unfavorable fate. Please don't expect me to stop all of sudden. 

Kia. I love you. Please don't get pregnant. I know I will say this alot over the next few months. We talked to your boyfriend alot tonight and it just makes me sad. He has had a sad and scary life and I am not sure why you are drawn to such broken people. I hope he is not too broken. I hope you finish school. oh.

Beck. Last night was so hot and as you fell asleep in my arms, naked arms and legs I couldn't stop gazing at you. You soft lips and pudgy cheeks. I love the way you feel in my arms. Heavy and sweaty and warm. Your drool wet on my arms. The way your forehead is still course from the peely skin. I love your smile, how your eyes light up and your dimples. I wonder about your future and how I am going to leave you when I go back to work. When I am holding you I feel so peaceful and happy.  I just want to love you and for you to be happy. 

Katie my silly goose. When Beck was asleep we were just talking. It's been a rough couple of weeks and  just want to get back to us being thick as thieves. So when we were talking you mentioned that you felt like we loved beck more. That you wished you were a baby and that we would take care of you to dress you and carry you and never yell at you. Oh baby. I love you just as much as Beck. I have loved you longer. I have dressed you and carried you. We agreed that you would have better listening ears and I would be more patient. More gentle. I will. I love getting your perspective. You are so funny. So insightful for 5. To tell me what you need. To make me understand how your feeling. I want you to know that we love you, that I love you. Down to the very bottom of my heart. And to thank you for reminding me of what your feeling. To give me the chance to make it right. We are going to have so much fun this summer.

I have realized a couple of things. I am you mom. I do not make sacrifices. I make trades. I make choices. Sacrifices imply losing or giving up something that is very valuable. But really you all are the most valuable. I will always choose you. Kia, Anna, Katie, Beck. I chose you. There is nothing that is more important to me and I make knowing choices and trades. And I do so willingly because I want to.